my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
