I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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