Umm I'm too high to move.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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