i think my mom watched the whole time
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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