I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
