Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
