I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize