I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
