Me. At least after what I've been through.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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