Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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