I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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