Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
