Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
