If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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