Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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