I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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