Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
