i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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