Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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