i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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