I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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