I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
