I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
