If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
