my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
