How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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