I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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