Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
