OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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