dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
