i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We're too hungover to prance.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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