the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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