Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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