I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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