Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
