we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
