if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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