Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
