Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
