well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
