As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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