I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
