I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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