I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
