OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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