My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
