Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
