she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
