I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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