My nipple is on Facebook.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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