No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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