took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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