I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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