If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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