honey bunches of taint.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
