If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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