Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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