Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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