I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
