Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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