census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize