you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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