there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Boobs speak an international language.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He did a backflip because drugs
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