she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
