i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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