Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
