I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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