remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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